Just got back from Pearl's 2nd Birthday. It was held on the village playing field opposite the pub. My nieces Hollie and Abi came too, which Lily was thrilled about. Hollie and Abi are nine and five respectively and Lily thinks they are the bees knees - she gazes at them with an awestruck expression whenever she sees them.
We had a lovely time - the sun was shining, and the picnic table was bedecked with a gingham cloth and laden with every different kind of sandwich imaginable, profiteroles, cakes, millionaires shortbread, home made lemonade....
After saying hello to Hayley (Pearls' Mummy) we went over to get some food. I handed Hollie and Abi a plate and asked what they would like to eat.
"Chips." Abi replied firmly.
"There aren't any chips Abi." I told her.
She gave me an artful look before saying "There's a pub across the road."
"Can't you have a sandwich?" I say. I don't like the wheedling tone in my voice.
Abi folds her arms. " I don't like sandwiches"
I turn to Hollie and look pleadingly at her.
She moves closer to Abi to symbolise a United front, and says "Sausage and chips please." And as an afterthought "...and a Mango and raspberry J20"
Humph. So much for Teddy Bears Picnic.
"I'm so hungry" Abi said, rubbing her tummy like a Dickensian waif begging for scraps.
"Me too." said Hollie.
I sighed. "Why are you two so fussy?"
They both shrugged, palms upwards.
40 minutes later we're ensconced in the pub ordering sausage and chips twice and the girls are happily sucking J20 through a straw and plying a delighted Lily with ice cubes, which she loves.
A man walks in and stands with his back to us at the bar . I can't help but notice that he has a large skin tag in a prominent place on the back of his neck.
"Look at that mans Tick! It's massive" Hisses Abi in a theatrical stage whisper.
"Hadn't you better tell him Jess? You can pull it off for him with Granny's special tick remover." she urges me earnestly. I notice that the back of the mans neck has gone very red.
Blushing myself , i say quietly "It's not a tick Abi, it's a mole."
She spears her sausage with a derisive snort. "Don't be silly. I know what a mole looks like." she replies stoutly. "Dido dug one up this morning on Granny's lawn."
I realise it is hopeless to contradict her, so i change the subject.
We are finishing our drinks and preparing to leave when they start singing along to a song on the radio.
"baby baby baby, oh, my baby baby baby, oh my baby baby baby oh...."
"Do you like Justin Bieber Jess? " Abi asks.
I don't. I think he's an over-indulged, squeaky voiced, pre pubescent little cretin and he gives me the creeps.
"Ooh yes, he's fab." I reply.
"Really? Well i think he's weird."
"In what way?" i ask, intrigued.
"One of my friends thinks he's actually a girl. I don't think he is. I just think he's gay, which is fine, it's his choice. He's got a few issues though." she concludes sagely.
"Gay?" i repeat idiotically.
"Yeah, gay. Like a lesbian. But a boy. You do know what a lesbian is don't you?"