Friday, 30 July 2010

Jasper and i popped into town yesterday morning to drop off some plans with the Architect. We parked in the Market Square. Jasper waited in the car while i went across the road to the Cash point.
I was just about to get back in the car when i saw Jeremy's Mother walking towards us. I hadn't seen her for ages so i windmilled excitedly at her and went over to say hello. She is normally very friendly and chatty, so i was rather disconcerted when she didn't reciprocate my bear hug, or immediately ask after Lily as she usually does.
Nonetheless, i beamed at her and told her how lovely it was to see her.
She coughed nervously.
"So, how are you?" i persisted.
"Fine thankyou." she replied with a forced smile.
"Enjoying the sunshine?"
There was an awkward silence whilst i wondered what on earth i could have done to annoy her.
I noticed that she was carrying a bag from the Deli.
"Oooh, bought something nice for lunch?" I ploughed on.
She pursed her lips and didn't answer.
She stoutly rebuffed my increasingly inane attempts to engage her in conversation, responding to my bewildered burbling with monosyllabic answers. It was excruciating; i realised that i was clenching my buttocks in mortification.
I cringed as she glared stonily at me over the rims of her spectacles.
"Well, nice to see you again." i said pathetically.
She said a terse "Goodbye." before she stalked off into the Green Grocers.
I got back into the car shaking my head in bewilderment.
"Who was that?" Jasper asked.
"Jeremy's Mum."
"No it wasn't."
"Yes it was."
"Jess, it wasn't Jeremy's Mum. You must need glasses."
At that moment, the Woman emerged from the Green Grocers, glanced nervously at me and hurried off.
"She is definitely NOT Jeremy's Mother." said Jasper cosily.
"Well who is she then?" i said weakly, gawping at the woman's retreating back.
"You tell me." He sniggered. "You're the one whose been talking at her for the past 5 minutes."

My face was still burning when we reached Jasper's parents house.
We walked into the kitchen to find his Mother sitting at the table looking dazed, whilst Tor pressed an ice pack on the back of her head. It transpired that she had been feeding her young horses, when a scuffle had broken out between the two mares. In the ensuing melee, poor Jill was knocked flat on her back and banged her head, which prompthly started pouring with blood.
By the time we arrived, it had stopped bleeding, but there was a sizeable lump, and we were worried about concussion. She swept aside our entreaties to take her to the Hospital.
"For Goodness sake, stop fussing. I'm absolutely fine!" she insisted.
After a cup of tea, we got up to leave and i asked her if she was sure she felt alright. She replied with one of her famous malapropisms...
"Really dear, you needn't worry. It was just frightfully bad luck, although i must admit, my head took a terrific wank."


  1. My Mum's classic was when she was teaching a class of 10 / 11 year olds and was trying to regain control. She apparently warned the children that if they did not behave she would bonk them over the head. She arrived home that evening and asked my father and myself why the class had erupted into a roar of hysterics. She was completely and utterly bemused. I told Dad to explain - afterall i was an "innocent" 12 year old. He argued no because it was a "hip" term and he shouldn't know what it meant. eventually we told her together. Never have I seen Mum go that shade of crimson lol